Feature Article: Guilt and It’s Outward Manifestation of Self-Punishment

Guilt can take many forms: you can feel guilty for something you’ve done or said, and conversely the opposite is true as well; wherein we feel guilt for something we didn’t do or say and should have or we could have had guilt used on us as children as a behavior modification tactic.  In all instances, guilt settles into our psych like an old worn leather shoe.  Most of us do not address our guilt head on by examining it and making the necessary amends. Instead, we “stuff” it down into our subconscious and close the door.  Then we spend years trying to keep it from surfacing because if it does (and it always does) we won’t be able to handle the pain and the intensity with which it will “act out”, in order to be noticed.  The purpose of this “noticing” is so that it may be felt, released, and healed.  We prefer, believe it or not, to act out as opposed to going within to deal with it…to forgive ourselves. It is not easy to look at the shadow and dark parts of ourselves and call them out for what they are. Telling ourself the truth, about ourself, when guilt is at play is not an easy and pleasant task, but it is essential to release the plague of a hold it has over you.

When left unaddressed guilt begins to consume you subconsciously morphing into a form of self-punishment, which says “I have to pay a price for everything I want”, “I don’t deserve to be happy or enjoy things”, “I don’t deserve to have the friends/ job/career/relationship I want”, “I don’t deserve to be loved or love”. When left unbridled and unhealed it manifests outwardly in all sorts of ways that are very detrimental and hurtful to yourself and others. It takes many forms; some more sublime than others.  It could be a constant denial of pleasurable activities that you enjoy and bring you happiness with excuses such as “I’m too busy” or “I can’t participate I have a bad knee” or “I’m not cut out for X”. Self-punishment also looks like a non-existent social life or temporary surface friends at best, toxic relationships, sexual behaviors of punishment such as bondage, dominatrix etc., sabotaging of career and friendships.  In short, anything and anyone that represents and reinforces your guilt can stay while anything and anyone who demonstrates compassion, truth and forgiveness is kept at a distance.  Thus, we create our own cycle of self-fulfilling prophesy.  We feel guilty and “bad” and so we keep acting out as such and hanging out with people who keep us stuck in this belief, to prove ourselves right.

When does this cycle stop? When we either hit rock bottom and destroy ourselves or something/someone very important to us or when we have had enough of self-punishment and begin to realize slowly that what we are continuing to do to ourselves is far worse than whatever the original offense was. Once this glimmer of truth begins to show itself, we can begin the work of healing and addressing the original wound.

There are no short-cuts in emotional work, simply because a short-cut acts as a temporary bandage to which we will never sever the behavior.

On the emotional scale guilt lies at the very bottom and is the most detrimental feeling to carry. It’s akin to drinking poison and expecting someone else to die, but only you do, slowly, each day you harbor this toxic emotion.

Take a moment and write out on paper anything you feel guilty about, then write ways in which it can be rectified (through sincere apology, a talking out, asking for forgiveness, making amends). Do not let your ego get in the way of healing your guilt, for it will keep you there at all costs.  Once you have rectified in whichever way is appropriate sit somewhere in nature and practice forgiving yourself.  Embrace your shadows and humanness with compassion and full acceptance.  It is not “a death sentence” to make mistakes, it is however, a death sentence to stay in them over and over… and mostly toward yourself. Take a deep breath, be brave and break the cycle.