Feature Article: The Gift of Vulnerability

Vulnerability: a word and action most of us shun or at least shudder to even think about.  There are so many different reactions elicited when the topic comes up that it can send a simple conversation spiraling out of control.  Why is that? Why is this word with all its implications such a hot bed?

Mostly, because of what it imparts.  Vulnerability means to be open, raw, transparent, to show yourself in all your imperfect glory. And how many of us want to voluntarily do that? Not many, I assure you because unfortunately, vulnerability has mistakenly come to mean weakness, shame, being at the mercy of another, losing control, being hurt, ridiculed, abandoned, in your most tender of spots…your heart, your raw undefended self.  Is it no wonder then with this mindset that we stay closed off?

Most of us have been emotionally wounded during childhood, whether consciously or unconsciously, traumatically, or more minimally, by our nuclear family in some capacity. This “wounding” becomes internalized in such a way that the internal language says to the child: “I don’t want to feel the pain of X again so I will do what I have to, to protect myself”.  It is an instinctual coping mechanism to block emotional or physical pain as a child by either avoidance, desensitizing, numbing out or constructing walls of self-protection.  However, these walls while viable and justified as a child, never serve you as an adult, as these walls also cause you to inadvertently block out love, connection, and happiness.  The “desensitizing” as an adult, leads to a lack of empathy, while numbing out leads to distracting behaviors that allow us to escape and can even lead to addictions if remained unchecked, while avoidance can lead to disconnection from the self and an inability to cope.

Unless we are aware of our behaviors and willing to look at their origin and our original wounding, we can spend our entire adult life in any of these modalities. In some cases, the fear of addressing the emotional wound and its’ pain is so severe we completely disconnect from ourselves living in a magnified delusion of our own device to keep from feeling at all.

The good news is that Life wants to heal us by releasing this wounding.  It does this by constantly bringing you people and situations which mirror your coping behavior of choice for the purpose of bringing it to your attention in the hopes that you will recognize in another, what you, yourself, are doing and take ownership. And in doing so, finally releasing it from your psyche.  When we do not pay attention, the signs become “louder” manifesting as illness, bankruptcy, loss of family/marriage/job/home/friends.  These signs are not meant to hurt you, they are gifts to open you, to allow you to become vulnerable so you can see where you are blocking and hurting yourself.

This form of self-sabotage is akin to wanting to board a plane to a new and fabulous “destination” only your stuck circling the airport and never actually boarding the flight. Your stuck in your old story still trying to prove you are worthy, or good enough or loveable enough or whatever other “lie” your wounding told you about yourself.  You’re standing on the outside hustling for your self-worth.

Vulnerability as hard as it may seem, is the way out, the road to love, connection, freedom, truth, and the life you desire to live.  It’s a gift you give yourself. Take courage, do not be afraid, what hurt you as a child is nothing compared to what you do to yourself when you block yourself off in the name of your self-protection. You create your own self-imposed prison hiding the key to the door giving excuse after excuse for why you can’t find it.  There is always at least one person in your life you can completely trust with your heart (if not, find a counselor/therapist). Start there and set yourself free.